I was diagnosed with autism 18 months ago.
I was so relieved to finally get an answer as to why I am so different to everyone else. Many people who first meet me will think I am “normal” and think I have no problems at all. Some people have even said to me “you don’t have autism” but the only people who really see the “real” me is Dan (my husband) and my family. My family are the only ones who really know me. I say this because as I am a female I do social masking so this basically means that I hide my autism so that I fit in with everyone around me and I pretend to know what I am doing socially. I basically become an act and I have learnt over the years how to be like everyone else which if you think about it, it is an amazing thing to learn.
Having a baby has changed me, I am now able to go into a supermarket on my own however if I haven’t been into one particular supermarket in a while it causes me a lot of issues. I have to prepare to go into a supermarket it is very rare that I will be spontaneous and just decided to go shopping one day. I have to have my routine. Another change that has happened since having India is I have met so many nice, friendly people who are also mums and I have been able to make friends which is great. I have never had so many friends and it is wonderful. It is a struggle having so many friends and I have a daily battle with my demons about having friends. Some of the battles that I face are do they like me, do they find me weird etc but I can always talk to Dan and my parents about it and we get through it. I also have to battle with going to new places which can be an enormous challenge. I remember one specific day where I was planning to go to a group, I was on my way, had India in the pram and I had walked up our street. I was so close to turning round and going home but I pushed on and I am glad I did.
It is so hard to sum everything up in one post of how things have changed what I used to be like etc because autism is so vast and affects me in so many way that if I was to put it into a post I might as well write a book!
I think the biggest change for me are my melt downs. They have changed so much. When I used to have a meltdown it would be an outburst. I would scream, shout, and stamp my feet basically like a tantrum but in an adult form and lot worse. Ever since India was born that has all changed. I never have had a meltdown in front of her it has always been when Dan has come home and India has gone to bed. I suppress my meltdowns so much more because I know I have to care for India. This means that when I have one I go into myself, I stop talking I go silent and I don’t want to communicate. Also the meltdowns tend to last days rather than a couple of hours because I suppress it because of India. I prefer these types of meltdowns because they are quite so destructive but I do wish they were over quicker. I had a meltdown the other week and it lasted around 6 days on and off and my word by the end of it I was so tired, but the next day I felt like a new person and that is the best feeling ever!
I have a fear every week, and month that my little girl may get diagnosed with autism. Being autistic is not a bad thing and there are so many amazing things about having autism however I know what it was like to be bullied at school and to hide in the library from all of my class mates because just for one day I didn’t want to get bullied. I never had friends at school and I really don’t want India to go through that. I want her to enjoy school and come out with lots of friends. Having friends is such hard work but rewarding at the same time and I am proud to say I have a lovely group of friends that a couple know about my autism but not all of them.
If you are an autistic mum and want a chat I am just at the end of an email or if you want to check out my instagram click my social links.
I will be writing more posts on autism but I don’t want to make these posts too long so this is all I have to say for this week on autism.
Thanks Chloe x